I, Bill Cotton, was the entertainment king
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I ruled without hate or malice
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And now that I’m on trial
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I recall no crime
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But I remember Alexandra Palace
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When I started there I was a teenager
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But not like they are today, all anoraks and acne
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My face was polka dotted but my popular demotic
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Went down dandy, setting the house on fire
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Till Adolf’s rockets described their arcs
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And brought the old place down
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But speaking seriously ever since then my aim has been
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To entertain the Mother-in-Law
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I was everybody’s drunken brother-in-law
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But my wedding reception roses were microphones
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And when the table was cleared and the dishes were done
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They gathered round their master’s voice in every home
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Then crackling Berlin and Hilversum and Rome
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Gave way to a Cockney twang
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With the timing of a jazz age genius
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I remember those religious broadcasting blokes
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Used to stop me right on Portland Place
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And quote me right to my face
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'In the land of the blind the winking man is king'
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But speaking seriously ever since then my aim has been
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To entertain the Mother-in-Law
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Then in the years that followed the war
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I was moved from razzmatazz to administration
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They say we’ve all got a cross to bear
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Mine was the task of altering
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An eavesdropping to a voyeuristic nation
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Well I never met Logie Baird but from what I’ve hear
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That man was a smash hit at parties
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If you asked him to describe TV
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He immediately dropped to his knees
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And mechanically scanned the carpets
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In 240 lines, or was it 405?
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Well never mind, they were punchlines every one
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But speaking seriously ever since then my aim has been
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To entertain the mother-in-law
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To cut a long story short I ended up in court
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With the entire cast of the Black and White Minstrel Show
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(There must be a million or more)
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So tell me where have I seen these pearly gates?
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Where have I heard that title before?
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'The Day of Judgement' - must be cable or Channel Four
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But when I’m introduced I can’t believe my ears
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I stand accused of blasphemy
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And making graven idols
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And for the first time in my life
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(Although I realise I’m dead)
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I laugh my head off when I’m fed
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My ultimate punch line
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My five-minute call for the eternal show time
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'The devil is the mother of my wife'
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But speaking seriously ever since then my aim has been
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To entertain the mother-in-law |