| JOE
|
| Listen to that!
|
| Will you listen to that!
|
| FRANK
|
| Do you know what that means?
|
| Let me tell you what that means —
|
| Wait, no, anyone who even thinks it
|
| Don’t say it, you’ll jinx it —
|
| CHARLEY
|
| Listen to that!
|
| JOE
|
| Did you listen to that?
|
| FRANK
|
| Does that make you feel proud?
|
| Well, feel more than just proud —
|
| Okay, wait, I’ll tempt fate
|
| And I’ll state it out loud
|
| That’s the sound of a —
|
| Hit!
|
| It’s a hit!
|
| Gang, I think this is it!
|
| No more writing clever little shows
|
| For those basement saloons
|
| No more proclamations from the pros
|
| That «You can’t hum the tunes" —
|
| CHARLEY
|
| No more sneaking in at intermission
|
| To the plays you wish you could afford —
|
| MARY
|
| Or producers having you audition
|
| Whenever they’re bored —
|
| CHARLEY
|
| And who’ll say
|
| Right away
|
| As you play
|
| The first chord:
|
| «Boys, boys that is very, very uh what’s the word?
|
| Interesting
|
| And if I thought an audience would go and see it
|
| I would produce it in a minute
|
| NEXT!»
|
| ALL
|
| We’re a hit!
|
| We’re a hit!
|
| JOE
|
| Standing up —
|
| The whole bit!
|
| FRANK
|
| No more coaching those sopranos
|
| With voices like bees —
|
| CHARLEY
|
| No more secondhand pianos
|
| With six broken keys —
|
| MARY
|
| No more agents giving you opinions
|
| As they turn you over to their minions —
|
| ALL
|
| Just for these
|
| Guarantees
|
| We should please
|
| Thank the lord
|
| It’s a hit!
|
| It’s a hit!
|
| BETH
|
| Will my folks have a fit!
|
| After all of that baloney
|
| They’ve made me go through
|
| All that, «Honey, not that he’s a phoney
|
| But what does he do?»
|
| Will their faces be stony
|
| When they see on their Sony
|
| Someone handing the phoney
|
| The Tony Award!
|
| FRANK
|
| (spoken)
|
| 'I would like to begin by thanking all of the hundreds of people who have
|
| turned down every show I have ever written so I could win tonight for this one!
|
| Thank you
|
| (sung)
|
| Listen to that!
|
| Will you listen to that?
|
| Tell me, is that a noise
|
| Or is that a noise?
|
| That is a noise we’ve been waiting
|
| The whole of our lives to hear!
|
| BETH
|
| Listen to that!
|
| Did you listen to that?
|
| Honey, is that a noise
|
| Or is that a noise?
|
| That is the loveliest noise
|
| For a breadwinning wife to hear!
|
| FRANK
|
| Listen to that
|
| Will you listen to that!
|
| I can’t stand it!
|
| MARY
|
| Listen to that!
|
| That’s obscene!
|
| JOE
|
| That is a noise
|
| That is really a —
|
| Listen to that!
|
| Will you listen to that?
|
| Golly, I can’t — listen to that!
|
| Will you listen to that?
|
| CHARLEY
|
| Listen to that!
|
| Fellas, that is a noise
|
| That is really a noise!
|
| I can’t stand it!
|
| Will you listen to that!
|
| Will you listen to that!
|
| BETH
|
| Listen to that!
|
| Did you listen to that?
|
| I can’t stand it!
|
| Did you listen to that!
|
| Listen to that!
|
| Will you listen to that!
|
| FRANK
|
| Listen to that!
|
| That is the noise I’ve been waiting
|
| My life to hear!
|
| Listen to that!
|
| Will you listen to that!
|
| Will you listen to that!
|
| ALL
|
| That’s the sound of an audience
|
| Losing its mind!
|
| It’s the Pope on his balcony
|
| Blessing mankind!
|
| JOE
|
| Folks, it’s 'Funny Girl', 'Fiddler'
|
| And 'Dolly' combined!
|
| All:
|
| It’s a hit!
|
| It’s a hit!
|
| It’s a palpable hit!
|
| FRANK AND CHARLEY
|
| If it only even runs a minute
|
| At least it’s a wedge
|
| It’s the theater and we’re really in it
|
| Not just on the edge!
|
| JOE
|
| If your spirits ever need improving
|
| You can drop in any night for free!
|
| FRANK
|
| But the thing that’s positively moving —
|
| CHARLEY
|
| You could have fooled me —
|
| FRANK AND CHARLEY
|
| Is we’re still old friends!
|
| Nothing can kill old friends!
|
| FRANK, CHARLEY AND MARY
|
| Where there’s a will, old friends
|
| Don’t need success to survive!
|
| FRANK, CHARLEY, MARY AND BETH
|
| And us, old friends
|
| What’s to discuss, old friends?
|
| ALL
|
| We’ve got a surefire
|
| Genuine
|
| Walkaway
|
| Blockbuster
|
| Lines down to broadway
|
| Boffola
|
| Sensational
|
| Box office
|
| Lalapalooza
|
| Gargantuan —
|
| Hit!
|
| It’s a hit!
|
| It’s a hit!
|
| It’s a hit!
|
| It’s a hit!
|
| It’s a hit! |