JOE
|
Listen to that!
|
Will you listen to that!
|
FRANK
|
Do you know what that means?
|
Let me tell you what that means —
|
Wait, no, anyone who even thinks it
|
Don’t say it, you’ll jinx it —
|
CHARLEY
|
Listen to that!
|
JOE
|
Did you listen to that?
|
FRANK
|
Does that make you feel proud?
|
Well, feel more than just proud —
|
Okay, wait, I’ll tempt fate
|
And I’ll state it out loud
|
That’s the sound of a —
|
Hit!
|
It’s a hit!
|
Gang, I think this is it!
|
No more writing clever little shows
|
For those basement saloons
|
No more proclamations from the pros
|
That «You can’t hum the tunes" —
|
CHARLEY
|
No more sneaking in at intermission
|
To the plays you wish you could afford —
|
MARY
|
Or producers having you audition
|
Whenever they’re bored —
|
CHARLEY
|
And who’ll say
|
Right away
|
As you play
|
The first chord:
|
«Boys, boys that is very, very uh what’s the word?
|
Interesting
|
And if I thought an audience would go and see it
|
I would produce it in a minute
|
NEXT!»
|
ALL
|
We’re a hit!
|
We’re a hit!
|
JOE
|
Standing up —
|
The whole bit!
|
FRANK
|
No more coaching those sopranos
|
With voices like bees —
|
CHARLEY
|
No more secondhand pianos
|
With six broken keys —
|
MARY
|
No more agents giving you opinions
|
As they turn you over to their minions —
|
ALL
|
Just for these
|
Guarantees
|
We should please
|
Thank the lord
|
It’s a hit!
|
It’s a hit!
|
BETH
|
Will my folks have a fit!
|
After all of that baloney
|
They’ve made me go through
|
All that, «Honey, not that he’s a phoney
|
But what does he do?»
|
Will their faces be stony
|
When they see on their Sony
|
Someone handing the phoney
|
The Tony Award!
|
FRANK
|
(spoken)
|
'I would like to begin by thanking all of the hundreds of people who have
|
turned down every show I have ever written so I could win tonight for this one!
|
Thank you
|
(sung)
|
Listen to that!
|
Will you listen to that?
|
Tell me, is that a noise
|
Or is that a noise?
|
That is a noise we’ve been waiting
|
The whole of our lives to hear!
|
BETH
|
Listen to that!
|
Did you listen to that?
|
Honey, is that a noise
|
Or is that a noise?
|
That is the loveliest noise
|
For a breadwinning wife to hear!
|
FRANK
|
Listen to that
|
Will you listen to that!
|
I can’t stand it!
|
MARY
|
Listen to that!
|
That’s obscene!
|
JOE
|
That is a noise
|
That is really a —
|
Listen to that!
|
Will you listen to that?
|
Golly, I can’t — listen to that!
|
Will you listen to that?
|
CHARLEY
|
Listen to that!
|
Fellas, that is a noise
|
That is really a noise!
|
I can’t stand it!
|
Will you listen to that!
|
Will you listen to that!
|
BETH
|
Listen to that!
|
Did you listen to that?
|
I can’t stand it!
|
Did you listen to that!
|
Listen to that!
|
Will you listen to that!
|
FRANK
|
Listen to that!
|
That is the noise I’ve been waiting
|
My life to hear!
|
Listen to that!
|
Will you listen to that!
|
Will you listen to that!
|
ALL
|
That’s the sound of an audience
|
Losing its mind!
|
It’s the Pope on his balcony
|
Blessing mankind!
|
JOE
|
Folks, it’s 'Funny Girl', 'Fiddler'
|
And 'Dolly' combined!
|
All:
|
It’s a hit!
|
It’s a hit!
|
It’s a palpable hit!
|
FRANK AND CHARLEY
|
If it only even runs a minute
|
At least it’s a wedge
|
It’s the theater and we’re really in it
|
Not just on the edge!
|
JOE
|
If your spirits ever need improving
|
You can drop in any night for free!
|
FRANK
|
But the thing that’s positively moving —
|
CHARLEY
|
You could have fooled me —
|
FRANK AND CHARLEY
|
Is we’re still old friends!
|
Nothing can kill old friends!
|
FRANK, CHARLEY AND MARY
|
Where there’s a will, old friends
|
Don’t need success to survive!
|
FRANK, CHARLEY, MARY AND BETH
|
And us, old friends
|
What’s to discuss, old friends?
|
ALL
|
We’ve got a surefire
|
Genuine
|
Walkaway
|
Blockbuster
|
Lines down to broadway
|
Boffola
|
Sensational
|
Box office
|
Lalapalooza
|
Gargantuan —
|
Hit!
|
It’s a hit!
|
It’s a hit!
|
It’s a hit!
|
It’s a hit!
|
It’s a hit! |