Текст пісні Cell Phones And Flying - Louis C.K.

Cell Phones And Flying

And I went to England. I spent a month there. I liked England. Everything’s different. I mean,
that’s obvious, But some of The differences were cool. I like the money, The money- Instead of a
dollar bill They have the pound coin. And it’s a coin and You throw it on the counter. It felt kind
of cool. Like the old west. Like going on the-you know, Being on the dusty trail. You see a saloon,
so you walk Over to it with your horse. You throw the rope Vaguely at the pole outside. That
thing they do. It’s my whole life On that horse. Should be fine. Just… Walk in the saloon. “Give
me a beer, The bottle of whiskey, “And a room for a week, “Steak dinner, shave And a haircut and
a bath, “And some new clothes And a hat and some boots, And some oats for my horse, And a
woman. ” Here you go. Ping. That’s all. One heavy coin. You’re fine. Nobody adds up all those
things You mentioned. They don’t check To see what coin it was. The guy just keeps Drying the
glass. Things were very vague Back then. Things just cost money. “Hey, how much is that?”
“Money.” In the old english movies, It was different. It was a little sack of coins. Remember that
little Drawstring sack Tossed over By some faggy lord With a ruffled shirt. Throw it disdainfully
down To some commoner Who’s gonna do something Beneath his station. “Follow the girl and
report Back to me at midnight. “Bring a shovel and a sack “And two reliable men Such as
yourselves. “Oh, what’s that? Oh, yes, of course. Well, This ought to be sufficient. ” Meh, just-
shink. “Oh, thank you, sir. ” The guy’s so happy To get a general amount of some kind of currency
or another. He didn’t, like, count it. Like, “I think you only gave me Enough for the shovel. There’s
not enough there. “
That was a good time In our economy, When you needed to have gold To buy shit. We might be
going back to that Pretty soon too. Things are pretty fucked up. People are a little bit scared. But
you know what? How bad could it really get? I mean, most Americans Have so much crap You
could lose most of it And still be- Have more shit Than the average Canadian, Even. Like, we’re
the fattest People in the world, And we just have All this shit, And we hate it. We’re just
miserable With our phones. “Fucking… ” Just angry all the time. And I worry about The economy
failing, Because we don’t- We can’t even- We’re miserable With a great life. Like, I don’t know
How the fuck We’re gonna deal with, like, When you got to move your mom Into the cellar and
shit And, like, have, like, Serious problems. Because we have, like- Up till now, We have white-
We have white people problems In America, That’s what we have. White people problems. You
know what that is? That’s where your life Is amazing, So you just make shit up To be upset about.
People in other countries Have real problems. Like, “oh, shit, They’re cutting off All our heads
today. ” Things like that. Here we make shit up To be upset about. “Like, how come I have to
choose A language on the ATM machine? It’s bullshit. ” “I shouldn’t have to do that. I’m
American. ” God, the shit We bitch about. I called American Airlines, And I got a xstani lady. And
she was in Pakistan. Only people near my fat, White body should have jobs. I’ll tell you what,
though. When I call American Airlines And I get the Pakistani lady, I hang up and I call again. I do.
I’m gonna tell you honestly. And it’s not because I don’t like her, And it’s not because She doesn’t
speak English, ‘Cause she speaks Way better than I do. She’s just a better person. It’s so clear.
And I know-here’s why I don’t like talking to her. ‘Cause I know she doesn’t Give a shit About me
and My white people problems. I want to talk To the lady from Texas, Who’s- “Well, how can I
help you?” That’s the lady I want. I just know when I- “Hello, American-” “Oh, fuck. You don’t care. ” There’s no way. Why would you? I’m in my underwear. “Hi, I have a layover In Dallas that’s
really long, And I was wondering if-” And she’s like, “Oh, really? “I haven’t had a clean glass of
water in ten years, okay? “Two of my kids Died this morning. “I still came to work, You fat shit. “I
can hear your fat Over the phone. Why don’t you hang up And kill yourself?” Why would she
care? But we just-God. Standing at the ATM. “I can’t believe They make me go like this. Stupid.”
What the fuck Are you complaining about? You push a button and money Comes out a fucking
slot. It didn’t used to be that way. When I was younger, You had to go in the bank. Remember
that? You had to go inside the bank. Now you look in the bank, You’re like, “what are those
People doing in there? Are they cleaning? The money’s out here.”
It’s amazing how different shit is now, And it hasn’t been this way For a long time. It’s been a
very short time. Everybody has a phone in their pocket. It didn’t used to be You had a phone-
Just a few years ago, Nobody had their phone. It was just the phone. It was this thing, the phone,
That was in a room In your house. And then you had to dial This fucking thing. There was a rotor,
And you had to turn it And go- You actually hated people With zeros in their numbers, ‘Cause
they made you do- Well, this guy’s got A zero and a nine. How badly do I want to talk To that
piece of shit? That’s too much work. Now we have this, Which is amazing. We have these phones
that you Can call in an air strike. You can look at the top of your own head. It’s amazing, this shit,
And it’s wasted On the shittiest generation of piece of shit assholes That ever fucking lived. I
swear to God. We are. We’re the worst people so far. Because we have This beautiful thing, And
we hate it. We’re just- “Fucking thing. ” I don’t- Never saw a person going, “Look at what my
phone can do. ” Nobody does that. They all go- “Fucking thing, it sucks. I can’t get it to-” Give it a
second, Would you? Could you give it a second? It’s going to space. Can you give it a second To
get back from space? Is the speed of light Too slow for you? You non-contributing, Product
sponge cunt? Can you just wait? Can you just take A little breath? Just wait for that picture of Axl
Rose to get on your phone. Like it even fucking mattered What you were doing. Like it was even
important. We’re all just so mad. “I hate my phone. It sucks!” No, it doesn’t. It’s amazing. The
shittiest cell phone In the world Is a miracle. Your life sucks Around the phone. Why are you so
mad at it? People say The craziest shit. “I-I hate Verizon. ” What are you talking about? How can
that feeling exist? “I hate Verizon!” “Why? Did they fire you And take away your pension?” “No,
it just-couple of times It was weird for a second. ” “I hate them!” Hate Verizon. Well, make your
own, then. You go make one. Make your own network. Get some hubcaps And climb some trees.
See how close Yours is to perfect. Why would it be perfect? Really, It’s as good as it is. Why do
we expect it To be fucking perfect All the fucking time? We’re not contributing. We’re not
helping it be perfect. We don’t even know what- What is involved. Do you have any idea What is
involved In taking your thing That you said That nobody needs To ever hear ever, When you go-
“Hey, what’s up, dude. ” And a little, invisible, Magic angel takes it, and- God damn it. Ho-“when
did you Send me that text?” If I sent it to you A month ago, it’s amazing. Whenever it gets to you,
It’s amazing. Whenever it gets to you In your chosen fucking font. It’s incredible.
I don’t know. I’m not that old. I’m 41 But I’m still amazed At the shit in my life. I’m amazed at the
shit In the world. I was on a plane once, Like about a month ago, And they had high-speed, Wireless internet on the plane, And they had never Done that before. They explained to us That
we were, like, One of the first aircraft. And I opened up my laptop, And I’m online. I’m looking At
youtube and shit While we’re flying. And then it broke down. And the woman says, “I’m sorry,
But we have to fix the internet, So it’s down For the rest of the flight. ” The guy next to me goes,
“It’s fucking bullshit. ” I’m, like, “dude, how does The world owe you something You didn’t even
know existed 30 seconds ago?” People on planes Are the worst. People on planes, They
complain. They get off the plane, They come to your house, And they tell you about Your whole
flight experience. And they make it sound Like it was fucking a- A cattle car In Poland in the ’40s.
They just make it- “That was the worst Day of my life. “I had to sit on the runway For 40 minutes.
” That’s a story In this country. That’s a fucking hardship, That you had to sit On the runway.
People will listen To that story. They’ll stop doing the dishes And turn around and go, “Oh, my
God, really? For 40 minutes? That’s awful. You should sue them.” “I had to sit on the runway For
40 minutes.” Oh, my God, really? What happened then? Did you fly through the air Like a bird?
Incredibly? Did you soar Into the clouds impossibly? Did you partake In the miracle of human
flight? And then land softly On giant tires That you couldn’t Even conceive How they fucking Put
air in them? How dare you. Bitching about flying. “I had to pay For my sandwich.” You’re flying!
You’re sitting in a chair In the sky. You’re like a Greek myth Right now. “But it doesn’t Go back
very far, And it’s sort of Squishing my knees.” The Wright Brothers would kick us all right in the
cunt If they knew. If-if you could go back In time to Orville Wright And go, “hey, dude, I had to sit
On the runway for 40 minutes. ” And he’d be like, “Oh, shit, Well, let’s Not even bother, then.”
“Hey, Wendell, shut it down. “They make you wait for a bit. That hardly seems worth it.” There’s
always delays. That’s what everybody Complains about. There’s always delays When I fly. Really?
Delays. It’s too slow. Air travel’s too slow. New York to California In six hours. That used to take
30 years, To do that, And a bunch of you would die On the way there. You’d get shot in the neck
With an arrow and you’d go- And fall down. And the other passengers Would just bury you And
put a stick there with your Hat on it and keep walking. And one of ’em Would fuck your wife And
have three babies. And all the old people Would die. You’d be a whole different Group of people
By the time You got to California. Now you watch An Adam Sandler movie And you take a big,
runny dump And you’re there.
I was, uh, I was flying About a week ago, And, uh, I was in the airport, And I saw this really old
man, And he’s on- He’s on a wheelchair. I can fucking hear That shit, So back the fuck off. I can
hear It in your headsets. Just careful. Or turn them down. Sorry to fuck up The entire show for
that, But I could hear- “Get closer to him. “No, it’s okay, it’s fine. Get closer to him. He won’t
mind.” All right. Wait a second. Okay, uh, This about where I was? Okay. That’s right. I was on a- I
was in the, um… I was in the airport. Ugh… Tot-just drenched right now. Totally drenched. It’s like
I peed. It’s crazy. Okay, so I’m in the airport, And I’m going through security, And they bring this
old man In a wheelchair, And he was… Crazy old. I mean, he was the oldest thing I’ve ever seen.
I’ve been To museums and shit. This dude… I didn’t know There had been as much time As this
guy was old. I mean, He was at least forever. He was at least that old. Just tiny, Little Nosferatu
hands And eggy head. Just one of those… So frail. It was like Just the atmosphere Was crushing
him Into a diamond. Just… And they’re Pushing him through, And I’m not the only per- Like, He was parting the people, ‘Cause people were going, “What the fuck? That’s crazy. He’s really old!”
And they take him Through security, And, you know, If you’re really old Or you’re in a wheelchair,
You can’t go through The metal detector If you’re in a wheelchair, So they take you To secondary
clearance, Which is far more stringent. Like, the oldest and feeblest People get the highest
scrutiny. So they take him over there, And he’s-I mean, he doesn’t Even look good for infinity.
He’s not even like, a- He’s, like- Got a whole thing going. And they take him over, And they start
checking him For weapons. Like, thor-like, What do you got there, huh? Like, checking him. And
they lift him- I swear to God, They picked him up Gently out of the wheelchair By the shoulders,
And he’s standing between These two guys like this, And they’re going- And I’m like, “really? Is
that the guy, fellas? “You think that’s the guy? Do you want to maybe Let him go?” Let him enjoy
the last Ten seconds of his life Doing something else. What-what is he gonna- Even if he pulled it
off, He deserves whatever he wanted, Really. What is he gonna do? Even if he had a grenade- Let
him keep it. And I know what they’d say. They’d be like, “well, Where do you draw the line?” He-
this is the line. This guy right here, He’s the actual line. It’s very clear.
There’s always somebody going Through security who’s like, “I don’t want To take off my shoes.
“Stupid. I’m not a terrorist.” Oh, that’s right. We only make Terrorists do that. I’m sorry. That’s
what we sound like now. Just the whole country. We’re like Fat eighth graders. All of us. Just- Not
fair.